Fire A Swimmer If...

You will be aware that much thought and emotional energy has recently gone into evaluating a coach’s fitness to do the job. This is as it should be. Day after day coaches stand there, inflicting pain. They should expect and should receive very critical appraisal.

However, in the interests of justice, it is only fair that we offer the other side of the coin. Are there circumstances where a coach, no matter how awful he/she might be, should sack a swimmer? We think there are. Here is a list of twenty examples for your guidance.

1. They admit to filling Gatorade bottles with vodka to get them through flights home.

2. They admit to filling Gatorade bottles with vodka to get them through practice.

3. They joke about the first two crimes on international websites.

4. They “deck change” so badly the rest of the team should be paying to watch.

5. They eat their kick-boards or suck their goggle straps.

6. They think the ten in 10x100 comes just after six.

7. They think it's okay to swim three backstroke strokes before each turn when completing backstroke "kick" sets.

8. They get seen drinking martinis before the national championships.

9. They fail to realize that martinis drunk before the national championships should be sipped, not gulped.

10. They wear mini skirts, high heels or lip gloss to prelims; especially if they are on your men’s team.

11. They think, “Looking for my goggles” is a good excuse for coming out of someone else’s room at three in the morning.

12. They insist on being entered in the 50m breaststroke instead of the 800 free even though they're supposed to be a long-distance freestyler.

13. They are certain an 800 is twenty-two laps and swim all twenty-two in order to prove it.

14. Every day, just as practice starts, they remember they left their inhaler and suit at home.

15. They become too skilled at missing a well thrown pull buoy.

16. They know lane lines are put there to help them through the backstroke lengths.

17. They know 200 fly is best swum with one arm.

18. They have seven different ways of saying, “Sorry, I’m late” and use all seven, every week. If one of them is, “My alarm didn’t work” they’re out.

19. They think the 60 on a pace clock comes right after 55.
    

20. They come from New Zealand (I had to repeat this one...)