Dark Secrets

By David

This week US Swimming introduced “background screening” for all 10,000 swim coaches in the land. In the words of US Swimming:

“The screening criteria are designed to identify violations of Section 304.3.4 of our Code of Conduct. The National Board of Review will develop implementing rules to determine which violations will result in total ineligibility, probationary membership or other restrictions based on the severity of the crime. In order to maintain your 2007 USA Swimming coach membership in good standing, coaches are required to complete the new USA Swimming Background Screening process.”

The night before last, I completed the enrolment process. Right now someone is searching for any violations of Section 304.3.4. For people like me, who have lived in a variety of countries the search, I’m told ominously, is world-wide. I’ve read Section 304.3.4 and have never done any of that stuff. But what say something goes wrong.

Mistakes happen; I was held for two hours in Puerto Rico once because some guy with my name from New Zealand had been passing dud checks in Texas. No amount of explaining that we had different birthdays or that I’d never been to Texas made any difference. Finally they rang someone in New Zealand and I was allowed to go.

God, I hope they never discover that I didn’t mind Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction but really struggle with endless ads for the treatment of erectile dysfunction. Nothing ruins a good dinner more than those horrific commercials.

I hope they don’t find out I was mean to Mary-Ann the day after senior prom. It was a wet, cold day in Wisconsin. John and I were bored. Let’s play a joke on Mary-Ann? John rang her and tearfully explained I’d been killed in a car accident and would she like to come to the funeral home to pay her last respects. We drove around to her place. I covered myself with a rug and lay on the floor of the back seat. Mary-Ann was crying, distressed, upset, all those words. As we pull up outside the Thorp Funeral Home in West School Street I bounced up, “Hi, miracle cure.” Mary-Ann never spoke to me again.

And when I waited tables in one of New Zealand's best hotels, I didn't mean to drop that spear of asparagus down the front of the Canadian Ambassador’s wife's dress. To this day I regret the laser guided accuracy of its track down the center line of her ample cleavage.

The more I think about it the worse I’ve been. I only pushed Billy van Berkam off the track in senior cross country because he pushed me first. Arranging for Vivian Anderson to win the homecoming turkey was all right. She was the best looking girl in the school, or at least I thought so. Democracy’s not that important. I thought defending Stacy Friel was justified. Swimming New Zealand rode roughshod over their own rules to pin a charge of bad behavior on that girl.

Years ago I did drive home, after dinner, when I should have taken a cab. I don’t do it any more – promise.

It’s not a very good list is it? Perhaps, my confession will make a difference. The church says it will:

“Repent ye therefore, that your sins may be blotted out, - ACTS 3:19

Hold on I’ve just got an email from US Swimming;

Dear David,

Congratulations! Your background screening has been thoroughly reviewed and meets the membership eligibility standards set by USA Swimming. TC logiQ will automatically notify USA Swimming that your screening has been approved.

Thank you for your time and cooperation during the screening process.

Sincerely,
TC logiQ, Inc.

Whew, made it, nothing’s gone wrong. Please ignore all the stories in this article. I just made them up.

PS: Swimwatch supports the screening imitative of US Swimming – better to be sure than sorry.